Saturday, May 22, 2010

Green Sheet

Green Sheet ads I haven't seen, but would find amusing (I may have a sick sense of humor):

Free to good home: water moccasin/rattlesnake mix. Good with kids.

Wanted: European or Canadians (papers required) to perform yard-work and do house-cleaning. Must be fluent or willing to become fluent.

Fishing camp for sale: Good, deep-water docks, 5 excellent camp-sites, rustic cabin (sleeps 9), working still, 19 banjos, collection of pornographic videos; includes caretaker.

Free to car afficionado: 1957 Chevy, first $9500 takes it.

Gardener: Well-preserved anglo man in his 60s for sale or lease. 40+ years experience in horticulture and tax evasion.

Major Oil Company, deeply discounted for quick sale: Major international oil company for sale. Buyer assumes ownership of out-of-service drilling rig assets and all corporate liability. Purchaser must be available for Congressional hearings this week.

Congressional seat for sale: Experienced Congressman seeks buyer for Congressional seat. Seat includes lucrative revenue stream from established influence peddlers.

Party rentals for every budget: tables, chairs, margarita machines, clowns, center pieces, piƱatas, hookers, dancing policemen.

Lost: Iguana (answers to "Toodles") in the vicinity of mile-marker 600, just south of Strasburg, IL, on Route 32. Tatoo on left shoulder reads "For a good time, call an iguana." Reward for return.

Slightly-used doggie chew-toys for sale: Approximately 75,000 slightly-used doggie chew-toys for sale. Entire lot only, will not divide. Excellent opportunity for medium sized city whose entire population cares for dogs.

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