Sunday, November 20, 2011


I wonder if it's the same for everyone. You reach a point of understanding and appreciating the reality of one's mortality, which seems like such an extraordinarily grown-up accomplishment. But then, out of nowhere, you run head-on into the real world. The REALLY real world.

For reasons I cannot explain, I ran head-on into the real world. Suddenly, tonight, I became aware of my own mortality. Completely, fully, entirely aware. One day, years hence or just moments away, I will be dead. The switch will be flipped and, instantly, I will be no more. Other lives will go on. My won't. I won't be aware any longer. My existence will have ceased.

I wish I had words to explain this revelation. It's both frightening and freeing. I don't want to know this, but I do.


jo(e) said...

That's the kind of thing I think about in the middle of the night.

Taradharma said...

when my moments of clear freak-out occur, I think about all the millions upon millions of people, just like us, who have gone on before. There are more dead people than there are ones alive. We will join them, wherever the hell they are. We will have plenty of company.

bev said...

I probably need not tell you that I've been very aware of this for quite some time. I guess I may always have been, but what did it for me was having my dad lean forward to say something to me -- I knew he was dying that evening -- and he died in mid sentence looking directly into my eyes from about a foot away. I watch the life leave his eyes in the following few seconds.
Watching Don die in my arms made it even clearer that we are all just something ephemeral that dies and is gone. All of this and more have caused me to have quite little regard for the kind of "reality" that seems to matter to most people around me. Yes, it is liberating. It is also painful in its own way as a lot of other people don't get it, so you are also kind of alone.

Springer Kneeblood said...

Bev, you have such direct and personal experience with this. You do understand. I thought I did. For reasons unknown, I think I do now, far more than I ever did before. It does feel a little lonely, because I don't think many people truly get it.

Thanks jo(e) and Tara, for acknowledging my post and validating the power of the sensation of knowledge.