Thursday, October 27, 2011

Just Bad

One day after my post about watching Buddha on PBS. One day after thinking I may finally have achieved some semblance of balance in my ability to deal with the world. Just one day.

In that one day, I've devolved into the lowest level ever. I have been a bastard these last 18 hours or so. Feeling badly about my behavior and my inability to be even remotely civil is insufficient.

I suppose that insufficiency is why I couldn't sleep. I've been up since 1:00 am. It's now more than two hours later and I am very tired, but don't want to sleep. I want to rewind the last 18 hours and remake them into something better, something less painful for the people around me. Especially my wife, who doesn't deserve what she's been listening to from me.


Taradharma said...

seize the day and make amends, my friend. Your wife deserves this, now.

Sorry to hear you have been feeling so miserable. It sucks and it's hard to pull yourself out. But you must.

Chop wood. Carry Water. Much love to you.

bev said...

I'm with Tara on this. Hope you are feeling better today than when you wrote this. You have been under prolonged stress and that will really do a number on one's attitude. I have not written much about this, but after Don's death - at the end of a year of caring for him - I was so stressed out that my oersonality was greatly affected. I look back on that time and how angry, bitter, sarcastic, and just plain unpleasant I was. I'm very glad that I traveled and mostly soent the time alone wandering as I know I would have hurt anyone who ventured within shooting range. i would say that it took a good two years after Don's death for things to stop making me go off my stick - and this is in someone who used to have a very patient, tolerant and kindly personality to start with. I cringe a bit about my behaviour, especially some anger which was mis-directed toward my mom and a very close friend - lots of collateral damage meted out during that time. However, under the circumstances, I know that I could not really help myself and that I was doing the best I could. Give yourself some time to "recover" once the company stuff gets wound up, but do try to make amends whenever you feel you said or did wrong. That is important. Loved ones do understand.

Springer Kneeblood said...

Thanks to both of you. I appreciate your sage advice. I really do.